Death and suicide

Pain eases on a troubled night as I try to fall asleep. Tossing and turning, thoughts racing, tired eyes giving in to despair and hopelessness. I pick up the knife pressing it against my wrist leaving a mark but no cut. I didn't have the nerve. What would be the easiest way to die I thought. My mind now going back to my old issues. No job, no car, and no hope of it getting better.

Nothing was changing and everything was going wrong. Sinking into the darkness of my own mind I drifted off to sleep thinking of my long-time boyfriend who I suspected of cheating or him thinking of cheating.

Anxiety infiltrated the pit of My stomach like tiny knives of steal. Nothing I did could make it go away. I wanted to die. I prayed to die. Taking the knife back out I placed it on my wrist once more, still, there was no courage to end my suffering. My mind then went back to my son who was in his bed still asleep. I didn't want to leave him. I must suffer through. God help me I silently whispered to myself. There's no hope for me in this life. No hope but to die but I can't. I am trapped in misery. God help me. Send me a miracle. Free me from the walls of the prison.

I begin to fantasize about a crazed killer who suddenly burst into my home and stabbed me to death but then blood would be everywhere and my body would be left there for my son to find and if not the body then the blood. So no, I can't die even in a make-believe world. I don't know how I can survive this pain, this internal pain I am in. Why was I born, a question I have asked God and myself a million times. I have no purpose. All I see is darkness. Not even a plastic bag over my head can save me from this life. of agony. No one understands. There's no one to talk to. I hate counselors and the like. Anger and rage emerge each time someone even suggests it. I've been handling this all my life and I reckon I can keep on handling it myself.