Woman, Know ye they worth.

 King James Bible

For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD; because they called thee an Outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom no man seeketh after. Jeremiah 30:17

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31

A little one shall become a thousand, and a small one a strong nation: I the LORD will hasten it in his time. Isaiah 60:22

The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. Exodus 14:14

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

And he said, It is a light thing that thou shouldest be my servant to raise up the tribes of Jacob and to restore the preserved of Israel: I will also give thee for a light to the Gentiles, that thou mayest be my salvation unto the end of the earth. Isaiah 49:6

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:39

Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not. Jeremiah 33:3

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13

Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name. Psalm 91:14

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. James 1:2-3

Turn again, and tell Hezekiah the captain of my people, Thus saith the LORD, the God of David thy father, I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee: on the third day thou shalt go up unto the house of the LORD. 2 Kings 20:5

Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? Psalm 56:8

But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. Isaiah 43:1

And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. Ephesians 3:19

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. Psalm 91:11

7 Things that are an abomination to the Lord

 Proverbs 6:16-19

These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto Him : 

A proud look, A lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to Mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among the brethren. 

1. A proud look =

having haughty eyes, being arrogant, thinking of yourself as superior, being judgemental, condescending, and looking down on others. These people can not be taught and are unreachable. 

2. A lying tongue =

willingly lying, being deceitful, speaking falsehoods

3. Hands that Shed innocent blood =

committing murder, having hatred in our hearts

1st John 3:15 Whosoever hateth his brother is a murder: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding within him

4. A heart that deviseth wicked imaginations =

Thinking up wicked things in your head. Devising wicked plans. Always thinking about doing something evil

5. Feet that be swift to running to mischief =

Purposely doing evil and doing it without a second thought. Always doing something that is not good in the eyes of the Lord and not caring that it's wrong, and being quick to do so without any remorse. 

If you are quick to do evil you are not going to have any remorse. 

6. A false witness that speaks lies =

Deliberately giving false testimony, Lying in court, spreading rumors about someone, creating false impressions of someone causing unfair doubt about someone's character, Not telling the whole truth, and only telling part of the truth. 

7. He that soweth discord among the brethren =

Stirring up conflict in the church, Gossiping, getting people fighting with each other, assassinating someone's character, and causing strife and division. 

The Fruits of the Spirit

Galatians 5:22-23

King James Version

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

There are nine fruits of the spirit that is talked about in Galatians 5:2-23

Love

The type of Love God is talking about here is Agape love. Agape love refers to a pure, wilful, sacrificial love that intentionally desires another highest good without expecting anything in return. The Bible tells us we are to love God with everything in us and that we are to love others as we do ourselves and to think more highly of others than we do ourselves.  We love one another because God first loved us. 1st John 4,  Mark 12:30-31, Philippians 2:3,

Joy

Biblical joy does not depend on our circumstances, but it comes from knowing God and what God has done for us and what He's going to do As we abide in Him, He will abide in us and we will produce much fruit. We don't have to struggle trying to make it happen. 

Side note: The joy of the Lord is our strength

Romans 5:3-5, John 15: 4-5, John 15:10-11, Proverbs 10:28 Nehemiah 8:10, John 15:9-11

Peace

Peace is the fulfillment of whatever is lacking. We need the Holy Spirit to be our peace because alone we are lacking. As long as we keep our minds on the lord we will stay in perfect peace and we don't have to worry about finances, our safety, or when trouble comes along or anything else. We are to take our worries to God in prayer and thanksgiving and he will give us peace.  John 16:33, Psalms 4:8, Isaiah 32:17, John 14:27, John 14:15-16,  John 14:26-27, Phillipians 4:4-7, Isaiah 26:3-4

Patience or Long Suffering 

We as Christians are to withstand challenges that come at us in life. We are to be imitators of God and God is a God of patience. He is slow to anger. So we are to be slow to anger as well.   The Holy Spirit is evident in our lives when we are slow to anger and persevere and show steadfastness. Ephesians 4:1-2, Romans 12:12, Pslams 37:7-9, Proverbs 15:18, Romans 15:5, Romans 2:1-4

Meekness 

Meekness is submitting yourself to God in all things. Meekness is not weakness. Meekness is power under control. Meekness is submitting all that you have to obedience to God. Meekness is knowing we are nothing without God and with God we are everything. Meekness is a humble demeanor. When we are meek that is when God can use us.  Meekness is not concerned with self-will. The Holy Spirit is powerful but the Bible describes Him as a dove. We don't have to make big shows of our strength or power. We don't have to push or shove. Moses was the meekest man of his time. Jesus was meek. Jesus could have brought all of Heaven down on the Roman soldiers but instead, he controlled his power and submitted Himself to God the Father for His will to be done. Philippians 2:7, Matthew 26: 53-54, Numbers 12:3, Matthew 5:5

.Goodness

God compares his goodness to be merciful and compassionate. Goodness is shown in our actions. We do good when we show compassion and mercy. We do good when we do things we know are right to do. We are to be good and Live life without selfishness. Matthew 5:16, Galatians 6:10, Romans 12:21, Luke 6:35, Amos 5:14-15, Micah 6:8, Pslams 37:3, Exodus 33:19

Faithfulness

Faithfulness is following through on a commitment regardless of the cost. We are to have faith in God and His word because anything that is not faith is sin. Without faith, it's impossible to please God. We are to be loyal, steadfast, dependable, and trustworthy. We are to be dedicated to God and not stray from his commandments. Romans 14:23, Hebrews 11:6, Deuteronomy 28: 1-68, Proverbs 3:3-4, Matthew 7:21-23, 

Gentleness

Gentleness is the quality of being kind, tender, or mild-mannered. We are to not speak evil of people and to be courteous and not violent or harsh actions. We are to be quiet and humble, and not proud or haughty acting.  James 1:19-20, Titus 3:2, Proverbs 15:1, Pslams 5:9, James 3:13, 1 Peter 3:15, 1 Peter 3:4, Zephaniah 2:3

Self-Control 

We are to be able to control ourselves, both physically and mentally. We should be able to control our impulses and urges that are not of God. Proverbs 25:28, 1 Corinthians 10:13, 2 Timothy 1:7, 1 Corinthians 9:24-27, 1 Peter 4:7, James 1:19,

The fruit of the spirit is a picture of Christ. We are to be Christ-like. The closer you get to God the more Christ-like you will be.  Once we get saved God begins to make changes in us, and as we begin to grow in the Lord spending time with Him and studying His word we begin to develop the fruits of the spirit. You can tell what type of tree a tree is by the fruit it produces. You can tell if someone is a Christian by the fruits they bear. 

The Parable of the Seed Sower

 Matthew 13:1-23, Mark 4:1-20, Luke 8:1-15

 The soil represents the human heart, and the word of God is the seed. There are four different types of soil that the seed falls on. These are the four different reactions the human heart has when they hear the word of God.

These are as follows:

The hard heart

The hard heart is people who hear God's word and don't understand it or the people who hear God's word but it goes in one ear and out the other. It never even penetrates their heart. When this happens the enemy comes and steals what is sown and is being sewn before it even hits the ground. A hard heart is a wall a rock. When someone has a hard heart there is no getting through to them. You have to pray and ask God to change their heart. Ask God to repair their heart to soften them and give them a heart of flesh

The shallow heart

People who hear God's word and receive it with joy are people who receive the seed in stony places. They receive it with joy but when trouble comes or persecution comes they get offended because God's word was sewn without much root so they wither. 

The Crowded heart

The person who receives seed among thorns is the one who hears God's word and becomes so busy with the cares of this world and its riches that God's word is choked out because of their distractions and they lose interest in the things of God and they become unfruitful. Don't let anyone or anything distract you. Lay your treasures up in Heaven and not on the things of this world. Trust God to take care of you. Don't let the love of money take root. 

The fruitful heart

The fruitful heart is the person who hears God's word and understands it, and they bear much fruit producing a rich harvest. They don't get distracted by the things of this world. They stay focused on God and don't let their hearts be troubled 

Summary of the Whole Armor of God

  The belt of truth is simple. People try to make it complicated and confusing but it's simple. You just live a life of truth and integrity. You make sure you are a person of integrity and that you are someone who's trustworthy. You always speak the truth even when it's hard but you do it in kindness and love. You do all things in love and kindness. 1 Peter 2:12 says Live such good lives that though they accuse you of doing wrong they may see your good deeds and glorify God. It also means knowing the Truth about Jesus being the son of God and being prepared to give reasons why you believe when asked.

The breastplate of righteousness is given to us when we get saved. Our righteousness isn't enough. This is Why Jesus had to die for us to be saved. Once we are saved then there's a second part to it often referred to as Sanctification. We go through a sanctification process when we put on the breastplate of righteousness daily and we do this when we seek God; delight ourselves in Him; study His word; make his ways our ways; making Him our dwelling place. We desire His will instead of our own. We obey God's commands. When we begin to grow as Christians seeking God and doing His will and all these things our hearts begin to become pure. We develop a pure heart. Putting on the breastplate of righteousness means putting into practice what we believe in our hearts. As we grow in Christ our choices become more righteous and this protects our hearts from the temptations of sin.

The gospel of peace. Having your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace. When you're worrying and being aggravated. You don't have peace. When you are angry at someone and hold grudges and unforgiveness you don't have peace. Putting on the gospel of peace from my understanding means giving your cares and worries to God and being quick to forgive. Every time I've fallen it's been because I didn't have my shoes on, spiritually speaking. The Lord gave me a dream one time. I was walking along the road and there was snow on the ground I had a warm coat on and gloves and a hat. I was dressed for the weather all except my feet. My feet were bare. Not long after that, I went back on the Lord because I was hurt or offended, embarrassed even. So if I had my shoes on and was able to forgive and let things go and walk-in peace I could have handled the snow on the ground. Also, preparation means to prepare ahead of time. So if you are living your life trusting God and forgiving and walking in Peace people are going to see that and that in itself is going to prepare the way for you ahead of time and will help you be able to share the Good News of Jesus when asked and they will ask.

The Sheild of Faith is an easy one. Faith is knowing God will do what He says He will do. We build our Faith by Studying God's word and finding scriptures that match our needs and then listening to them over and over. God's word says Faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God. along with doing that you ask God to help you have faith according to Mark 9:24. Once you do that when the devil comes at you with his lies they won't stick. The fires he tried to start won't even stick. You've got your shield and you Got it soaked in God's word. Ain't nothing shaking you.

The helmet of salvation:

Salvation comes the moment you know; believe and confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ is the son of God and came to earth and died on the cross and rose again on the third day so we can be saved. That's the moment you put on the helmet of salvation, but it doesn't stop there. We go through a long-drawn-out journey called sanctification. I've talked about this before. Sanctification of our thoughts and minds. The mind is where the primary spiritual battle is fought. Anything that comes into your mind that doesn't line up with the word of God needs to be cast down. All your previous ideas or opinions beliefs and thoughts on issues all need to agree with what God's word says.

The enemy will come at every angle to attack your mind. He will attack your self-worth; He will tell you lies and tell you God doesn't love you. He'll try to confuse you. He'll try to tire you out so that you will give up. He will try to plaque you with fear. When this happens cast all of these things down and hold onto what God says in His Word, and Trust in God.

Key points to remember:

Know that Jesus Christ is the only way you can get to Heaven. There is no other way except through Him

Know that you are a new creature. Old things are passed away and all things are new.

Set your mind on things above not earthly things.

Renew your mind with the word of God according to Romans 12:2

Watch what you listen to, what you see, and what you think. Think about Good things, holy things.

The Sword of the spirit is the word of God. We use it by studying scripture; memorizing verses and getting God's word into our hearts so when Satan comes at us with his lies and temptations We can say not so Satan this is what God's word says. Jesus gives us an example of this in Matthew 4:1-11 when Jesus is being tempted by the devil in the wilderness. The devil even tries to twist Scripture on Him but it doesn't work because Jesus knew what God's word said and meant so Satan didn't fool Jesus. Just like Jesus knew the word we need to know the word so we can be ready when Satan comes. You can't do that if you have not been studying God's word and know what's in the Bible so get in your word. Study so you can be ready when the devil comes knocking.

The Whole Armor of God

 

The Helmet of Salvation

Salvation comes the moment you know; believe and confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ is the son of God and came to earth and died on the cross and rose again on the third day so we can be saved. That's the moment you put on the helmet of salvation, but it doesn't stop there.

 The helmet of salvation rests on the work of Christ to save us, but also involves us as we journey with the Lord and allow Him to work that salvation into every part of our thoughts and lives through sanctification. The battlefield of our mind is the primary place spiritual battle is fought. Anything that comes into your mind that doesn't line up with the word of God needs to be cast down. All your previous ideas or opinions beliefs and thoughts on issues all need to agree with what God's word says.

The enemy will come at every angle to attack your mind. He will attack your self-worth; He will tell you lies and tell you God doesn't love you. He'll try to confuse you. He'll try to tire you out so that you will give up. He will try to plaque you with fear. When this happens cast all of these things down and hold onto what God says in His Word, and Trust in God.

How to Apply It

• Renew your mind with the word of God according to Romans 12:2

• Set your mind on things above not earthly things.

• Watch what you listen to, and what you see and what you think. Think about Good things, holy things.

• Know that Jesus Christ is the only way you can get to Heaven. There is no other way except through Him

• Know that you are a new creature. Old things are passed away and all things are new.

What does the helmet do? It protects your head and your brain, your ears, and your mouth. Putting on the helmet of salvation means watching what you see. Watching what you hear. Watching what you say. It means watching and paying attention to what you let your mind dwell on or think about.

(The Battle is in the Mind.)

The Breastplate of Righteousness

The breastplate of righteousness is given to us when we get saved. Our righteousness isn't enough. This is Why Jesus had to die for us to be saved. Once we are saved then there's a second part to it often referred to as Sanctification. We go through a sanctification process when we put on the breastplate of righteousness daily and we do this when we seek God; delight ourselves in Him; study His word; make his ways our ways; making Him our dwelling place. We desire His will instead of our own. We obey God's commands. When we begin to grow as Christians seeking God and doing His will and all these things our hearts begin to become pure. We develop a pure heart. Putting on the breastplate of righteousness means putting into practice what we believe in our hearts. As we grow in Christ our choices become more righteous and this protects our hearts from the temptations of sin. I reckon that about covers it. If anyone has anything to add or take away please let me know 

How to Apply It:

• Soak in and obey instructions from the Lord. If there’s an area of life that feels like it gets easily tangled up in sin, ask a church leader to share some scriptural truths that might help you walk in the Lord’s plan more fully.

• Ask a trusted person to pray for you if you are struggling with obedience. All Christians struggle, but none were meant to struggle alone. We make easy targets for the enemy when we do not obey God.

The Belt of Truth

LOINS GIRT ABOUT WITH TRUTH: 

 The loins refer to the lower back but include the crotch area. In ancient days, men would wear long robes that would get in the way of work or fighting, so they would wrap up the long, draping material. This was girding up one’s loins. It protected the most vulnerable parts of a soldier. when preparing for battle the belt would have been the first piece of armor a soldier put on.

The belt repairs you to be ready for action. You just live a life of truth and integrity. You make sure you are someone who's trustworthy. You always speak the truth even when it's hard, but you do it in kindness and love. 1 Peter 2:!2 says live such good lives that though they accuse you of doing wrong they may see your good works and glorify God. It also means knowing the truth about Jesus being the son of God and being repaired to give reasons why you believe that when asked.

Christians always need to be prepared to defend themselves again the powers of darkness and never be caught off guard. You must live a life of truth and integrity.

You put on the belt of truth by being repaired for every situation that may arise and making sure you are a person of truth. This includes:

1. Knowing the good news about Jesus and being able to explain why you believe in him.

2. Living a life of truth, and integrity. Always being honest and trustworthy.

Jesus said that if you abide in him and he in you, you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (John 8:31-32).

How to Apply It:

• Pursue the truth on a specific topic, but don’t forget to grab hold of the whole of Scripture. Don’t just study the parts that come easy for devotional reading. Press into the whole counsel of God’s word.

• Pray with God’s word. Use the word of Truth as a template to guide your prayers.

• Memorize the truth for quicker access when you need it. Cover your world with Scripture on post-it notes, screen savers, décor, and anything that will help you remember God’s word in the spiritual battle.

The Sword of the Spirit:

It is the only piece of armor that is both defensive and offensive. The sword of the spirit is the word of God. When the devil comes at us with his lies and temptations we get out the word we have hidden in our hearts and we say no not so Satan Gods' word says this. In Matthew 4: 1-11 Jesus gives us an example of this during His temptation in the wilderness. When the Devil kept coming to him trying to tempt him over and over, Jesus used the sword of the Spirit Which is the word of God against him to defeat him.

In Matthew 4: 3 The devil tries to tempt God by Twisting the Scripture, but Jesus knew scripture well and the devil's tricks didn't work on Him. Just like Jesus we need to know the word so we won't be tricked when the devil tries to twist scripture on us.

Jesus said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God.’ ”

Then the devil said, “Why don’t you worship me right now?”

Jesus responded, “It is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord God only. Him only you shall serve.’ ”

“Why don’t you cast yourself off of here, and the angels will catch you,” Satan said, quoting Scripture out of context.

Jesus responded, bringing the Scripture back into context, “It has been said, ‘You shall not tempt the Lord your God.’ ”

Every time the devil comes at us with his temptations and lies we need to pick up our sword and say not so Satan. This is what God's word says. You can't do that if you have not been studying God's word and know what's in the Bible so get in your word. Study so you can be ready when the devil comes knocking. You get the word in your heart by studying it and memorizing scripture.

The Shield of Faith

THE SHIELD OF FAITH:

Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance in about what we don't see. Faith is a verb. Faith is knowing who God is. It's not believing. It's knowing. If you know who God is, and what He will do then when the worries of this world come along the winds and the waves and the storms of this life then it will not move you. It will be as nothing because you know who God is and what He will do. so you have no need to worry. You have Faith in who God is and what He will do.

Roman soldiers' shields were almost as big as a door standing 4 feet tall, and 3 feet wide. They were covered with heavy animal hide, and before a battle, they would dip their shields into the water so that when fiery darts hit them, the wet hide would extinguish the darts.

Roamans 10:17 says Faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God. So in order to put water on our shield or build our faith we need to study God's word and listen to it intently. The shield of faith is protection against temptation. Whenever we trust that God will answer our prayers, and that he will provide for our every need the devil can't tempt us with his lies saying he can provide a better life for us than God can. Eph 6:12 This stops the flaming arrows of Satan. Eph 6:16

How to Apply It:

• Ask God to increase your faith According to Mark 9:24

• Get in the Word, study it, and find verses that feed your faith and fill your world with them. Study them read them out loud over and over and listen to them being read out loud.

• Set your faith in God’s righteousness, not on a circumstance.

The Gospel of Peace

FEET SHOD WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE:

Peace is an attribute of the Lord’s very person and character (Galatians 5:22). In Greek, peace means oneness or wholeness. The gospel, which means good news, is the forgiveness of sins and access to and oneness with God through faith in Christ.  This oneness with the Lord produces peace.

Ephesians repeatedly reminds us to “stand” and “stand firm.” One of the easiest ways for the enemy to succeed in shaking us loose from standing firm is to tempt us with worry. When we carry anxiousness and worry with us, we are robbed of peace. But the gospel of peace keeps our feet anchored and standing firm.

Preparation means to prepare. So when you prepare you do it ahead of time. The gospel of peace goes ahead of you and prepares you ahead of time. People will be drawn to you because of your mannerisms and the light you have that comes from God. That is what goes ahead of you and does the preparation. So be prepared to share the good news of Jesus wherever you go. Peace means having peace with people and circumstances. It means not having bitterness or anger, resentment of unforgiveness. It means being forgiving. Being ready to forgive no matter what at any given time. When you put on shoes that is taking them with you wherever you go. Shoding your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace is shoes being taken with you wherever you go. Be ready to share God's good news, putting the gospel of peace on. The gospel of peace is your shoes. You can't go anywhere without your shows. Without shoes, you're a slave to sin.

Summary:

The gospel of peace. Having your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace. When you're worrying and being aggravated. You don't have peace. When you are angry at someone and hold grudges and unforgiveness you don't have peace. Putting on the gospel of peace from my understanding means giving your cares and worries to God and being quick to forgive. Every time I've fallen it's been because I didn't have my shoes on, spiritually speaking. The Lord gave me a dream one time. I was walking along the road and there was snow on the ground I had a warm coat on and gloves and a hat. I was dressed for the weather all except my feet. My feet were bare. Not long after that, I went back on the Lord because I was hurt or offended, embarrassed even. So if I had my shoes on and was able to forgive and let things go and walk-in peace I could have handled the snow on the ground. Also, preparation means to prepare ahead of time. So if you are living your life trusting God and forgiving and walking in Peace people are going to see that and that in itself is going to prepare the way for you ahead of time and will help you be able to share the Good News of Jesus when asked and they will ask.

How to Apply It:

• Ask the daily Lord to remind you of His gospel work on your behalf.

• Set your security and identity in His work and not yours.

• Surround yourself with Scripture about the truth of your place with Christ in your heart. And remove the input that steals your sense of security in Christ.

Pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.” (Ephesians 6:10-18)

Beyond Ireland

 Beyond Ireland

Red shades of light,

Fragrances garden sweet,

Dancing shadows in the distance

To an unknown beat.

I sing to thee,

Places far away;

A different time.

Swords clinking,

Practicing.

Laughter so sweet;

Young maidens whispering secrets;

Giggling children playing

What melody is this?

Sleepless nights,

Weary eyes,

Shutting tight.

Forgotten lands, holding hands.

A new day, a new song, a new way.

Dream, dream my sweet children

for tomorrow is yet to be.

By: Bernice Bowling.

A hoarders Home

 Pile on , pile on I heap and move and pile

more and more I gather saving and crying all the while

no room to tidy no room to store, yet still I gather more

like squrrel gathering for a winter that will never come

I keep storing. 

come clean come rearaange

come move one pile to there and one to hear 

bringing it back once more

my mountain rises higher year by year.

I sit on top a cluttered throne

looking down blaming

this mess on anyone but my own. 

Thrwoing away my stuff you say

I say no way and I cry forever more

Clinging to ever drop of jumble

In this chaos I make my home

Trying my best to clear away

never thorwing away anything

just saving, pretending

I am okay.   

By: Bernice Bowling

My Daddy’s Girlfriend and the Adoption

 My daddy’s girlfriend and the Adoption

I have few memories of the first girlfriend my daddy ever had. Her name was Pauline. Daddy lived across the street from me. It never occurred to me that my family was a bit strange or odd. That is up until the day I was visiting daddy. I don’t remember how it happened, but I know I was talking about mommy for some reason, and Pauline stood up and said, she’s not your mommy. I am and said that’s not true. You’re lying. She kept insisting that it was true. I can only picture her in the outfit she always seemed to wear, which was a red pants suit with white polka dots that she had made. It’s in all of the pictures I have of her, so when looking back, this is what I always picture with her puffy big black hair. Standing there in my daddy’s living room in the apartment over the garage telling me she was my mom. I didn’t believe her for a second, and I would go ask mommy to prove it. Mommy was always right, and she never lied. I was furious!

That very day when I went home, I ran up to mommy, and I said Do you know what Pauline did, and mommy said what I said? She said that you weren’t my mother and that she was. Mommy said she is your mother. She gave birth to you, but I am your real mother because I adopted you, and I am the one raising you. I was shocked and a little disappointed because I always pictured myself as a biological child of my grandmothers. I was just a little thing, not hardly even 5 years old, and I didn’t understand how these things worked. So my dad’s mom was my grandmother or adopted mom. Right then and there, I knew the mom I always had known before was just my mom and nothing else, and Pauline was just Pauline. She didn’t feel like a mom to me and never did. I don’t mean any harm to anyone reading this who gets offended. I am just writing this as I remember. There’s more to come, much more.

The First Day of Kindergarten

 The First Day of Kindergarten

Looking back I remember in the very, early years of childhood being filled with love and feeling such confidence. Family were always close. I felt so important like I was the center of the universe, and love wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a cozy winter day. It was a perfect world, and my mother was the author of it. She was my world. Wherever she was at I felt safe. My mother was perfect, I was perfect and my world was perfect.

That all changed on my first day of Kindergarten. I had never been to school before. I had no idea I would have to even go to such a foreign place. I felt as if I was being sent off to war in a scrap yard where wild animals and vicious tigers roamed. I was so scared. The very foundation I was standing on had been shaken and shaken hard. There were loud voices coming in every direction and chaos abounded. I was suddenly aware of my weight, my hair, my clothes, my very insignificance, and of course, my lack of ability to make friends. My world was now inside my head, and it was just the beginning.

Strangers seemed to peer at me, inspecting me as if I were a bug. The chatter continued for what appeared to be a lifetime. The grown-ups had all left now, and I was alone with these Martians. Then somewhere in the room, a cry was heard, a loud shattering cry. Another child screaming with big massive elephant-sized tears running down their face. That's when I felt their pain. It was like my own, and I was crying too.

The day went by, and soon it was time to go home. Daddy had come to pick me up. I don't remember much about what happened after that day, but I do remember mommy asking me how my day went and what all happened, and I told her I cried, and she asked me why did I cry, and I said because the other kids were crying and so I cried too. Then we both looked at one another, and we started laughing. I realized that I had not needed to cry and that I had only cried because I had felt the other kids' emotions. Sure I was scared and didn't want to be there, but I was not a crier. I was my daddies child, and I was tough. That's when I got the devastating news that I was not done with school. I had to go back to that awful place for many days to come. I remember being so angry because of that, but the next day when I went back. I remembered my mother and me laughing over yesterday's events, and I never cried that day or any other day over having to go to school. I just went after all mommy had told me if I didn't, they would put them in jail, and I never wanted that. So I sucked it up and went.