My Story of Imperfection

                      My Story of Imperfection 

My mom always tried to tell me I was just as good as anyone and that no one was better than anyone else. Despite all of that, I still struggled with self-esteem issues.

In the beginning, I was a happy child, full of confidence and joy. That is, until I learned that I was pudgy or fat. That's when everything started to change. My confidence slowly faded as I got older because of being picked on and ridiculed for my weight. Time marched on, and I found myself in high school battling even more self-esteem issues. I didn't like my hair, my glasses, or my weight. Worst of all, I got separated from most of my childhood friends.

Despite the fact that I got asked out quite a few times by different people, I always said no for two reasons:

#1. I was afraid of Mommy. She didn't allow me to date because she was afraid I would end up on drugs.

#2. I always thought the people asking me out were just making fun of me because I believed I was so ugly.

A very close friend I met during my freshman year—and who remains one of my best friends to this day—told me something I'll never forget. She said, "Berny, you need to start telling yourself out loud that you are beautiful because you are not ugly. I see guys checking you out all the time. You need to start speaking positive things to yourself."

So I did.

It was during my senior year that I began saying those words out loud.

My self-esteem slowly started to improve, and it wasn't until my college years that I finally began to realize I wasn't ugly like I had always believed. I started dating a little—not much, but a little.

As I got older, I still struggled with those childhood ghosts. I've had a string of unhealthy relationships and have been treated poorly in almost every relationship I've ever been in, except one. Even today, I am still discovering my self-worth.

By now, you're probably asking yourself why I'm sharing all of this.

I'm sharing it because of all the pain I've gone through over the years. It has made me a strong advocate for encouraging and inspiring others wherever I go. I never want to see anyone experience what I went through—or what I still sometimes struggle with today.

I want people to know they are beautiful just the way they are and that they can accomplish anything they set their minds to. Never let anyone make you feel less than a person. You are just as valuable as anyone else, no matter who you are, what color your skin is, or what size jeans you wear.

You are beautiful, and you are loved by God.

Have confidence in yourself. People who tear others down are often acting out of their own insecurities. They try to make themselves feel bigger by making someone else feel small. But in the end, it is they who become small.

Don't listen to the lies of the Devil. Listen to God. He made you in His image, and you are precious to Him. Every person was placed on this earth for a reason. Each of us has unique gifts and talents to offer the world. We simply have to choose to embrace them.

BY: Bernice Bowling

My Life Now

                                                                    Happiness flows freely
                                                                  In a river that's not run dry.
                                                          Smiling embraces my face and hair
                                                                       Things are different
                                                                         Time has passed
                                                                           I've moved on
                                                                            And I'm glad
                                                                           I wanted more
                                                               Something that wasn't for me
                                             But thank God someone up above knew more then me.

                                                                        My life is free now
                                                                      I can dance and sing
                                                        Allowing peace to come in and cleanse me
                                                         Laughter reigns when I think of my future
                                                                     It holds such fun things
                                                       I can't wait to meet all the good things ahead.
                                                               I'm happy for what's coming now
                                                                     I have nothing to dread
                                                                  I've put it all in God's hands                                                                                                                                                         
                                                                   Cause he does know best

BY: Bernice Bowling

Giving Thanks

Some day when I get my mind straight

I will wright about what's on my plate

Funny how life works that way

My friends and family

There very close to me

I have good friends

You can count on them

My friends and family 

All love me dearly

And I love them

There all my family

Whether their by blood or by choice

I am blessed beyond measure

God has made me rich

In friendships as well as family

I have many blessings

Thank God most of all for my wonderful daddy

He's stood by me and been there for me

More times then I can count

I am blessed to have him

Thank God for the mother who raised me 

Took me under her dress tail

Cared for and loved me

When all else failed

She was my mother

I will for ever love her

And thank God for her

Thank God for my papaw

Who always took up for me

Leave that girl alone

She ain't doing nothing

Ha, ha my papaw was my protector

Now God's got him along with my mother who raised me

Together they were quite a pair.

Thank God for my aunt and uncle

Who were always there,

And helped raise me just as much

There love for me too 

Is beyond compare.

Thank god for my Little dog 

He was as mean ,and mischievous as anyone could ask for

Ha, ha how I loved him so.

He was such a rascal

I was sorry to see him go.

Thank God for my son

For without him

At times I would feel as if

I had no one

He makes life even more fun

He makes it worth living

He loves his mamma 

He takes up for me

He's very protective of me

He worry's about me too much.

He is such a sweet pea.
Were best friends you see

Thank God most of all for Jesus

Cause without him all this wouldn't be possible

We wouldn't be blessed 

With wonderful friends and family

For a christian home, was what I was raised up in.

Without Jesus we would have to live a life of sin

Doomed to hell , and a devils den.

Thank God for many things
A house, a home, a car to drive
Food to eat and places to go.
He provides for my every need
He takes care of the birds in the air
And he will continue to take care of me.

BY: Bernice Bowling

Fighting Tears

Fighting Tears

Joy, laughter, and tears

Cries ring out throughout

Struggling for peace

Trying not to drown

The water is too deep

Darkness starts to creep

Fear tries to shake me

But I will not speak defeat

Rise up, shouts from within

Cheering for victory

Shaky legs that wobble

Get up from this bed

Let fear be gone

Come on, let's get going

It's time to take a trip

Put on your clothes of wander

Let's get out on the town

Dry your eyes

It's not time to die

You can make it through this.

One tiny step

Take another

Don't stop

Keep on stepping

Then you're out the door

Get in your car

Turn the key

Let's go past the county line 

Let's run to God

Just you and me.

Breathe in, breathe out

Trust in God and you'll see 

By: Bernice Bowling

Ain't nothing tops Jesus. He's the best

When I Think About Jesus ?

I think about my friend
The one who is always there
The one who always loves you
The one who will never betray you.
There's safety in the arms of Jesus
There's victory in the name of Jesus
His own blood makes demons tremble
Jesus, Ahhh, what a name !!!!!

LOL there can be no other then Jesus
He is our savior and Lord.
Thank God for Jesus
He went to the cross
He died for our sins
I am so glad that we can find Jesus
When we ask him to cleanse us from all sin
To forgive us as we forgive others
Jesus, now that's a friend

BY: Bernice Bowling

Chinese Chicken Salad

I got this recipe from circle of moms.

1/4 cup sesame oil, dark (toasted)
1/4 cup peanut oil
2 tbsp rice wine vinegar
1 tbsp lime juice, freshly squeezed
2 tbsp dark brown sugar
1 tbsp peanut butter (natural style)
1 tbsp grated ginger
1 tbsp garlic, minced
1 tbsp shallot, finely minced

1 tsp sambal oelek or red chili paste (optional)
kosher salt
freshly ground pepper

Ingredients for the Chicken Salad

1 head Napa cabbage
1/2 cup roasted peanuts, coarsely chopped
1 bunch cilantro, chopped
3 green onions (scallions), sliced
2 cups shredded chicken

Preparation

Combine the sesame and peanut oils, vinegar, lime juice, brown sugar, peanut butter, the 1 tablespoon grated ginger, the garlic, shallots, sambal oelek, and ½ teaspoon salt in a blender. Blend, then add pepper and additional salt to taste. Set the dressing aside. (To make ahead, cover and refrigerate the dressing for up to 24 hours.)


Remove the outer leaves of the cabbage and cut off and discard about 1 inch at the bottom. Remove and discard the core. Rinse the leaves and spin dry, then cut the cabbage in half lengthwise, then crosswise into slices 1/8 to ¼ inch thick.


Just before serving, put the cabbage in a large salad bowl along with the peanuts, sesame seeds, cilantro, the sliced scallions, and the shredded chicken. Pour about two thirds of the dressing over the salad and toss gently, adding dressing as needed to lightly coat everything. Mound the salad on dinner plates to serve.  

Vegetable Pizza

I can of  croissant rolls                                         shredded carrots
8oz. cream cheese, softened                                diced tomatoes
broccoli, chopped                                                shredded cheese
shredded Cabbage
Cauliflower, chopped

Place croissant rolls in bottom of pizza pan and spread out. Spread your cream chesse on top. Then add vegetable toppings of your choice. They don't have to be like the ones above. sprinkle on shredded carrots and then the shredded cheese. Cover and refrigerate until ready to eat.    

By: Bernice Bowling                                    

Floating Peach Fuzz Brain

Have you ever felt like your brain is just floating around?

Imagine your brain is out in the middle of the ocean on a inner tube just floating around, and he just woke up totally surprised at where he is at, and he is like woooooooe  where am I at dude? How'd I get here? Woooooe .   Then that's when you discover that not only is your brain floating in the middle of the ocean but it's  growing fuzz too, like a peach.  You now have a floating peach fuzzed brain. By now I am sure your saying, " Girl, you have done went and lost your mind!"

But no, been there and done that. It's time to move on. Let me explain further :


It comes from feeling lost and alone, like you don't know where to turn. Like you're out in the ocean, and no one is around, and everything is out of your control and you can't get a hold of anything to push you back out on to shore. You don't know how to get a hold of the things you need in order to take charge of your life. You wonder how can I ever get hold of what I need to make my dreams come true.

How do you stop floating you wonder. You feel like you need someone to throw you an anchor, but If you knew how to get your own anchor you would. Lord help us search for an anchor to pull us back on shore and see our harvest come in. A good harvest not a bad one. Lord knows we have enough trouble as it is, lol.

There are steps we can take to pull us back on to shore, but the first step is trusting God. He can open doors that we can not see. Everything you need to make your dreams come true is right there around you. You just need to learn to see it. Ask the Lord to help show you the steps you need to take.

By: Bernice Bowling

What Makes Us Who We Are

                                                             
I was a child full of wonder and exploration. I explored the world with wide eyes and great expectations. Much like a puppy, but Oh did I find the mess. Whatever it was I got into its mess after mess, mistake after mistake. This continued on up to my adult years and is still going on. It's all a learning experience you see. 

The people who were put in our lives were put there for a reason. It's like a big giant melting pot that helps us to grow and become who we are today. It's hard to believe that some of the people we encounter on a routine basis were put there for a reason. Through the pain, heartache, laughter, and tears are they have joined us, and made us close to our families and especially our friends.

The experiences we share, along with the mistakes we make produce compassion and understanding. One who has made many mistakes will most likely be one who isn't so quick to judge his fellow man. I will take an imperfect person any day over a Mary Poppins want to be.  No one likes a negative judgmental person who has never made a mistake. That's why we have our friends. Someone warm and comforting to turn to when we need to talk.

Our friends are as much like our family as blood kin. If you don't believe me, have you ever watched sex in the city, now those girls were tight! What about the Golden Girls look what a bond they shared. Now I realize these are fictional characters, but who is it we turn to talk to when we need some understanding? Well, it's most likely a friend. Families are great. They are there for you when you need them and they love you with all their heart no matter what. I love my family but I love my friend as well.  They know your faults and you can laugh together when the crying is over. 

Now how does this make you who you are? Experiences, friendships, family, and your environment. We become and remain close to the people we have something in common with. The ones we can relate to. You want to know who you are take a look around at your friends. That's a better portrait than any I could ever paint. What a wonderful world we live in. Home sweet home.

Through The Laughter and Through The Tears

Through The Laughter and Through The Tears

                            

Laughter and peace have set in                                      

I can feel once again

This time I am wiser.

Living my life

I still try and save helpless animals

Even humankind

I just don’t want to be hurt again.

I love my friends

They're wonderful.

I love helping them.

It makes me feel needed.

Reaching out in a time of need

To help others.

That's the thing I most desire

What went wrong?

Where did I go wrong?

What's wrong with me?

These are the questions I asked myself

When everything fell through.

Still hurting, I'm almost healed, but not completely.

Inside I'm still bleeding.

Can't help the pain.

The feelings still remain.

Wrapped in a box inside my heart

I swallowed the key.

No one is going to get me.

Too much pain to go through

I've been through it all, almost

So tortured I'd rather have been dead.

No, no more boyfriends for me.

I'm staying free

Would you say I have been wounded?

I'd say I was practically murdered.

My heart was  laid up in the ER for months

Didn't think I'd pull through, but I did.

It got dark, so dark it was scary.

Storm passes

After the rain

You find the damage that's been done

That's when you rebuild

Time, enjoyment, fun, and grins

A whole lot of Laughter

Brings healing and strength

Through the tears  and through the laughter

I find friends. 

By: Bernice Bowling  

Old Friend's

Death shadows over many.                                                    
Wishing you were here
Peppermint kisses to comfort me
Oh, what a thrill.

My shadows embrace darkens
My mind.
He comforts me
Helps me to unwind
He was a friend in college and throughout time

My forever man
Secret lover
My constant companion
Dangerous tides
Rolling in
Storms coming
He too is my friend
I love storm

He rains upon me
Blackens my face with his water
Cooling my hot embrace
The hidden treasure of darkness
Still left unleashed
HAHA wait until they get a glimpse
The real me
The dark one
The other me.

Waiting patiently
Trying not to release but to heal
They don't care
Stop and stare
Don't make peace
Make war with me
See what you will get
You might regret
I'm not a soft bunny rabbit
For you to pet.


BY: Bernice Bowling

The Willow Tree

                            The Willow Tree 

I see the willow tree                                                

Pretty as can be

Blowing in the wind

He was home to me

My heart will forever belong to

The willow tree

My forever friend

Once when I was young

He lived out  front

I would swing on a swingset

Talking to him

And making mud pies beneath the burning sun

He grew older

Then got sick

He got taken down

By an ax murderer

The Willow Tree was my friend

All the way to the end

So long, my pal, my companion

Now as I'm older

I still remember and long for him

The willow

I called a friend.

BY: Bernice Bowling

                

The Wall

Anger boiling inside from where it comes,                      

I can't decide.

Hurt, mad,

I lie motionless, trying to hide.

Running here and there in the middle of nowhere.

Isolated from anyone drawing nigh,

Still hurt, refusing to cry a tear.

Hardening my heart,

Allowing no hurt or pain to be here again,

Like a snake, I strike, sensing danger will appear.

Desert winds blow cool at night

Shadows surround me in my fight.

Struggling to survive

Trying to breathe

Someone revive me

My heart starts to beat.

Cold winds surround me

Protecting me, correcting me, helping me not to fear

Someone else is coming.

Shadows come near,

Listen to the sounds of footsteps

Watch out, trouble might be near. 

BY: Bernice Bowling

STANDING OUTSIDE THE GATE

Standing outside the gate
Pain resurfaces
I want in Lord
But I'm afraid
Afraid of what?
I'm afraid of people
But why
What did they do to you?
Nothing, Just the stares, and the eyes
The gossiping and the lies

Panicky and alone
Standing outside the gate
Can I come in
Anyone can come in
Who accepts my invitation
I'm afraid, don't be
He wraps me in a blanket
Around my shoulders
He puts His arm around me, He walks me in

Protect me from the people
Don't let them get me
I want, nothing can harm you here
People are loving
That's a change
Where's the backstabbing and the talking?
It's not here
Where is it?
Not here.

Where did it go?
Where it was supposed to go
Where is that?
Back to its father
Oh
I feel safer, but I'm still afraid
How did you stop it?
I weeded out the tares
Where did they go?
Into the fire.

I'm sorry,
Me too
What do we do?
Nothing, it's what they choose to do.
Can we pray
We can always pray
If it's not too late
Is it too late for them?
Yes
What about them over there?
No
Then let's pray
Ok

Who's my intercessor?
I am
You Jesus?
Yes
What about the Holy Spirit?
He helps us pray
He does a lot, doesn't He?
Yes
I think I'm starting not to be afraid
Perfect love cast out fear
Where can I get it?
Through Me

Am I dead yet?
No, but you almost was
Thank you for taking me back
You're welcome
I'm glad to be home
I am glad too
I missed you
I missed you to Jesus
Can I have a hug
Sure

Remember when you go back don't miss church
Do I have too
It will give You strength
What about the people
They will be weeded out
It's time to go now
Read My Word
I will

What about the talking and the backstabbing
Pray
Keep your eyes on me not the world
Ok I will
Can you help me?
Yes
Now it's time to go
But I don't want to
You have to
It's not your time to die
Doctor, she's back
Shew, I thought we had lost her.

By: Bernice Bowling                                                                        

FIRE DANCING

FIRE DANCING

Energetically inclined,

Pressing on towards new horizons.

Smiling cat faces,

Dancing on the wings of time.

The newness of dew hazily pouring in,

Wetness on my skin,

Wiping away gentle drops of rain.

Darkness tries to cast his spell,

But I say, “No more!” 

No more enslaved enchantment,

Running free.

Winds blowing, coolly, brushing my hair,

Continuously existing voluntarily.

New sensations hastily moving,

Forward, down my spine.

Kindled emotions letting go,

All chains breaking loose.

By: Bernice Bowling

My Vision / Dream of People Marching Into Hell !!!

                                                                                                           
I had a dream, I saw millions of people slowly marching mindlessly like zombies into the pits of hell. They were totally unaware of what they were doing. You couldn't yell at them to stop. no matter how loud you yelled or how much you waved your hands to try to get them to stop they just kept on moving. kept on going forward into the pits of hell, and it looked as if nothing would wake them up it was like they were zombified or asleep. It was so scary. I could not go to sleep afterward. I just wanted to cry.

How To Make Breakfast Gravy

Now I never could make breakfast gravy, but here is a recipe on how they say it's made : 

First, put you're oil or grease or whatever in the pan put just a little flour in it and brown that however you like it the more flour u use the thicker it gets then when you get as brown as you won't use a little milk then add water and stir it till it gets how you want it and the darkness depends on how long you let it brown before you add ur milk and water. the more flour the thicker it gets.

This was copy and pasted by a friend. 

My Mother's Love Through The Eyes Of A Child

Looking back and remembering through the eyes of a child, my mother's love. 

My mother adopted me at the age of 6 months old when I was left just here and there. My father loved me, but he couldn't take care of me, so my grandmother and my papaw raised me.  I saw my dad every day, but that is another story for another time.  This story is about my mother's love and what love means to a child.

Anyway, These are the times when I felt loved the most as a child. One memory, in particular, was when my mom, or mommy as I called her, would read to me, while I listened quietly and contently, kneeled at her feet. She would read to me, for what seemed to be hours on end. With me so enthralled in the story yelling " read another, read another," and she would until she grew tired and weary. She would sometimes read fairy tales and then sometimes Bible stories. Each of which she had read 1000 times each, lol.

                                                                                         

Another time, l was Underneath the kitchen table, where I played as I smelled the delicious aroma of whatever my mother was cooking. She would wipe the sweat from her brow, as she cooked, always making sure she fixed something special just for me. I was always a picky eater. She and I would sometimes even bake cakes together. She would let me stir and lick the frosting from the spatula after the cake was done. The very first cake we ever made was strawberry with cream cheese frosting. Mmmmmmm, I can remember the very first bite of that strawberry cake. It was truly mouth-watering as I bit into it with such child-like delight. 

My very Favorite memory was our long talks of the night that we would have. This is where I would tell her all my joys, and troubles of the day. She would give me her heart-felt wisdom and advice, and back up, lol. I had been being picked on in school,  and I had been taking it and taking it, all the time thinking I had to or I would be in trouble. Little did I know that when I finally told mommy and my daddy and papaw, that my whole family would be behind me in taking up for myself, lol. They said, "Berny, My name is bernice, they called me Berny, Don't ever start any trouble, but when somebody lays a hand on you try your best to kill um."  Now they didn't really mean for me to kill them, lol. Back then that was just a way of saying beat the snot of them so they will leave you alone. Well, anyway,  I was so happy. This was all I needed to hear. I went to school the next day, and when That boy messed with me again, I turned around and punched him so hard that his nose bleeds, lol. I had been picked on for so long at this point. I think even the teachers were proud of me, lol. From then on I never took anything off anybody until highschool, But that too is another story. 

Looking back through the eyes of a child when I felt the most loved was when my mom would spend time with me. Even when she would be busy doing something I could still feel her love for me just by being in the room with her. I really miss those days.

From The Lips Of Darkness

     In a woodland surrounded by foliage and nature, lurked an ancient creature,  scorned and filled with rage as she watched in silence. While thoughts flooded her mind of the one who scorned her. Her long, claw-like fingers rest upon her chin as she thought about the punishment that awaited the unaware.

     As beautiful as she was with her long, dark, wavy hair,  cascading down her back, and resting upon her ample, breast,  she was throbbing from the blood flow rushing through her veins that filled her with the passion of revenge. Her sensuous, curves transforming her into a beauty unmatched by nature. 

     Bloodthirsty and hungry, she opened up her lips to sing as he drew closer to where she was hiding.  She begins to sing softly, and hauntingly as the vines begin to wind and climb themselves into place. 

     What was that sweet melody,  he thought,  as he reached the edge of the woods. It was calling to him,  wanting him to come closer. Come closer, come closer into my dreams. Take my hand let me lead you the way, the voice spoke.

     Mindlessly, he walked into the woods reaching toward an unseen hand. The vines closing in behind him; blocking anyone else from entering in and preventing any escape.

     As he reached the heart of the woods, the land seemed to spread out. The music stopped. Looking up, he saw her, dropping down as if from what seemed to be out of nowhere,  and landing steadily on her feet like a cat.  She smiled, as she drew closer, him still not yet remembering, he watched this enchanting creature move with such grace,  until she kissed him on his lips. Suddenly fear gripped him as he thought he had seen this face before;  touched these sweet lips. Memories began to flood back to him from many years ago.......It was then he tried to scream, but no sound would come. He couldn't move. The vines were wrapping around him.  Now ridden and trembling in fear as he turned white, he knew who she was.  Her what once was,  normal teeth, now distorted into monstrous blades ravenous with venom, right before his very eyes. He watched in terror as she opened wide her mouth as she began to consume him little by little.

     She loved the feel of his blood flowing down her chin.  The taste of it in her mouth delighted her with an almost sexual glee and satisfaction. Feeling it and touching the torn flesh,  she could sense and hear his agony from deep within. There was none like it anywhere else. Oh, how she loved the excitement of the kill.

     Limb from limp she ripped him apart slowly and joyfully,  laughing,  hungrily, devouring his entire body; making sure to keep him alive so he could feel every ounce of pain that she bestowed upon him. Until finally when he had nothing left,  but his torso and head,  did she come down fast and hard, ripping off his head in an instant and swallowing it whole. leaving behind a bloodless upper body lying on the ground.

     She immediately drew back into the shadows of the woods, and her vines going with her. Leaving the torso behind for the beast of the forest.  She always did believe in feeding the animals.

BY: Bernice Bowling

The picture was done with photo editing, and I am not very good at it so please ignore it.  :)

The Dance

Droplets of sorrow drift slowly away

numbness setting in, 

laugher went missing

Trees sway to the songs of songbirds

while cool summer breeze blows by

Drowning in yesterday love begotten

sea of mindless chanting begins

winding and swaying to summers song

skipping through maniacal imaginations

laughter soon comes in

wildly unhinged

inhibitions fall to the ground

naked unsettled and wild

dancing under the moon

forever dying

caressing silver tins

holding tight that human carousel

hysteria controlling 

unleashing  chains

By: Bernice Bowling

The Call Home

My sorrow beckons me to tears 

as I sit here wondering 

about the years I've wasted.

The rain has not forgotten me–

 she still pours,

 washing away my fears.

Pain exists in the form of shadows.

I dance away the times gone by,

 listening to echo’s song,

I twirl and leap to his voice,

 I want to rejoice–

 but alas, my sorrow won’t let me.

How do I say No when I see his face?

 My heart does crumble to the floor.

He doesn't care. 

He only ignores. 

I scratch his face from my mind,

 then slowly plummet into hate.

My heart hardens

as the pain escapes.

I watch the mailman run for pleasure

As I sic Esmerelda on him

I laugh as she bites him on the rear–

taking a little more than he asked for.

My cruelty won’t last.

with each step forward, I grasp,

trying to make the happiness last–

if only but for a moment.

I sigh with cosmic relief

when I see some release 

of what I've been holding inside.

Still, I've got to let it hide. 

no one will know the pain, 

The storm inside my mind.

I'm scary and unknown–

 Except to my friends. 

Some of them are now gone.

God keeps talking to me,

telling me to dry my tears,

and come home.

But home scares me. 

People are cruel and mean,

with their judgmental gleams.

I stay away–

 too scared to stay.

Oh, I wish I had a way, 

maybe then I wouldn't decay.

God’s calling out my name.

I hear His voice.

“I am here, Lord 

Please help me come home–

I am lost and alone.

BY: Bernice Bowling