Dark Love Edited

Echoing secrets, echoing secrets–

Of romances past.

Death takes the helm.

The Gala is in full swing,

Twirling– twirling.

An audience of shadows,

Watch as we dance.

Heavy drops of rain,

Striking the walls we painted happy.

We kiss,

Laughing as if we were mad.

Death– my only love.

Whoever knew

My somberness would light

These hazy paths,

Swallowing even radiance

Starlight shimmers, swaying–

Muses singing our songs on repeat

Dreams drift into the night.

All essence, faded

By: Bernice Bowling

Echoing despair

 

Cobwebs like sticky ooze

clinging. clinging

crushing backs

drowning despair

hope, hope spiraling

shadows and demons knock

opening old doors

screaming to be free

dying in sorrowful depth

only to walk no longer in the light.

By" Bernice Bowling

The Red Room

 In mommy's house, there's a backroom called The Red Room, This room got its name from when I was a child, and mommy and papa were re-carpeting the whole house and decided to let me pick out the color that I wanted for 1 of the rooms. I was 5 years old at the time, and of course, I picked out a blood-red carpet. It was my favorite color and still is today.

I remember the look of surprise on mommy's face at such an unexpected loud color. She then said, "well we said she could pick out one of the colors," they all then laughed, and shook their heads. Other than that, I don't remember them ever trying to change my mind on the subject. Instead, they just put it in one of the back rooms.

After the carpet was put down we then hung up big, heavy, beautiful, red and black paisley print colored curtains with the bedspread to match, and decorated it in a Raggedy Ann and Andy theme, and we all started referring to it as the red room. The furniture in it was all done in oak wood. It was a magical fairy tale room for me, even the doorknob was magical with its glass door handle, which I always referred to as a diamond. It was truly a beautiful room and still is today, and where the room hasn't been used much, the carpet is still good as new.

I never will forget that and I never will forget how excited I was about the new carpet and how big and important it made me feel to be included in the decision-making, even if for just a small part. That room, even though little used as it was, became and still is my favorite room in the house, and one of the fondest memories of my childhood.

Pains of Motherhood and God.

 With inner screams and tear-filled eyes, she chipped away at her heart. Pieces of it falling a little at a time. Chopping and cutting until there was nothing left. Looking down at the ground she saw a cold and grey rock just laying there alone and cool to the touch. Jagged but smooth, she picked it up and placed it where her heart used to be. It was a fit. Not a nice fit, not a good fit but a fit. Would time ever heal what had been spoken? What can heal the trauma of the past that other people had caused? There was nothing left to live for. Limp and frail her heart melted away slowly as a snail creeps. She had no one, no one to talk to. no one to be there for her when she was down. She was alone. Death was not an option, because she believed in God. Motherhood was both a blessing and a curse. The pain a child can cause is more than any one person could bear. Feeling lifeless and not able to stand she walked shakily into her bedroom and laid down and slept. She wished it could have been for eternity. 

Dreaming, soft music playing in the distance, a dancer danced. It was her. She watched herself as she twirled and leaped, bowed and swayed, like a branch from a tree. She cried beneath the willow tree watching herself.  The grass was green but the dance floor was grey and so was she, grey as if watching on a black and white tv. The grey turned to soft pink as the dancer bent low and raised her hands above her head and twirled once more.  Alone and grey beautiful was the sorrow of the dance. She needed a break. She needed to dance. Running, the wind catching her lifting her up as she sailed away like a bird in the sky. Up and up and up she went and then back down again swooping, and landing softly back on the ground, nothing was forever, not even this dream, and she woke up to the same bed, the same life, the same painful circumstances. Her child hated God. 

Somber and weak she picked up her Bible and began to pray for guidance. As she read God began to show her things she needed to know. God will be a father to the fatherless. God will place the solitary in families. God will save the people of your children. God is a healer to the sick. God is a way maker. A mountain shaker, a mountain mover.  God is a God of the impossible. He will make a way. Your child will be saved. Past traumas will be healed that were caused by others.  God will give you the desires of your heart because you delight yourself in Him. 

Array

 Dark grey halls ; scattered skeletons

shadows that gleam across the room

distant cries of endless nights

dancing upon the moon

souls in agony

resting uncomfortably

lying to suit the mood

ring in ears

forgotten cheers

downing us in gloom

Sheepless forts

descending west

time drifts away

To some sweet lagoon

Peering glasses

seeing nothing

despising loads

raising rifts in derision

cackling coughs

bounties lossed 

ceasing my own existence. 

by: Bernice Bowling 

My dream about the crime I didn't commit.

 I had a horribly disturbing dream. I dreamed I was dating this scruffy looking person, and we had been arguing and all of a sudden this person started being really nice for no reason and we were going into a store and I wanted to stay home and couldn't figure out why I had to go in all of a sudden, and I was packing his coat in my arms, and we had my parents with me but they didn't look like my parents but in the dream they were. Anyway when we walked through the doors of that place an alarm went off and the security guards looked in the pockets of the coat I was wearing, and it was his drivers license that set the alarm off but they still blamed me for it. it was his coat and his drivers license that set the alarm off but they still blamed me for it. I was being accused of a crime I didn't commit, and in the dream this had happened once before and God vindicated me, and I remember calmly looking at him and saying you planned this, and I said you will get paid back for this God won't let you away with it because I am going to pray for vindication and I dreamed I left the store but I knew once I got back home and came back that I would be arrested. All because of some scum bag I choose to trust. This dream felt like one of those warning dreams. 

Scattered Memories and The Invisible Girl

 Part 3

No one ever really noticed me in school unless I made myself noticed, and I did that quite a bit much to my own embarrassment later in life. Having a time machine would be great for these sorts of things, but we're not here to talk about those moments just yet. Where here to discuss why I feel I was so invisible.

The first sign I had any special talents came when I was in Kindergarten. We were coloring the coloring pages that had been handed to us. On my page was a little girl with a beautiful little dress on with hair to her shoulders. This little girl to me desperately needed red hair. I can remember thinking why do people call red hair red when it's clearly orange? I looked down at the crayons on my side of the desk comparing the two crayons in question. Yep, red hair was really orange. At least the red hair I had seen anyway. I had noticed previously in the school year that when other kids would color their character's hair red they would all use the red crayon which to me ruined the coloring page altogether. So I picked up my orange crayon and I boldly stood alone seated in my chair coloring my own little girl's hair orange. She looked just like people with red hair usually did that I had seen.

Now that I look back on those years I realize that should have been the first sign that I would be a future artist, but yet how was I supposed to know? I was only a kid, and for years and years after that, I would grieve over my friend John Davids's ability to draw. I would sit at the desk beside him and watch him draw his figures and yearn, and wish that I could draw such things only to find out in high school when I took an art class that I actually could draw.

Another thing that I remember from my childhood that pointed towards me being an artist later in life was my great desire to draw my own comic book strips like the Peanuts Gang. I would spend hours drawing simple shapes, nothing fancy but simple shapes with cute fun names that I would come up with that I wanted to turn into my very own cartoon version of the peanuts gang. I never was able to do that but I remember it well and I still have that desire to this day.

I was always a creative child making my own doll clothes and my own paper dolls, and often drifting off into my own fantasy world with made-up stories floating around in my head. It was better than tv. I could never keep my mind focused on anything redeemed boring to me for more than 5 minutes. Which I guess is why I brought home bad grades in math and biology, and why I got ignored when the academic teams were picked. No one wanted an average child on an academic team. It wasn't until college that I learned I could write short stories and poetry. I even won a few contests and came in second place in the state in the KHEA writers contest. I know if I had kept on entering besides those 2 times I would have eventually won first place, but I didn't. Maybe someday huh?

One thing I have learned in life is that if you really want to do something you will. Below is a picture I drew of myself. It's never too late in life even if you do feel like the invisible girl or guy to discover something about yourself that you never knew you could do.

All through life and growing up I felt like the one struggling to make friends. The one struggling to fit in. The outcast, the forgotten. The invisible one. The shadow is always there but no one notices. Life is hard and the only one who can change the way you see things or react to things is you. I still struggle with all these things but I've learned not to let other people get me down. I've learned to love myself and fall back out of love with myself after a bad relationship, and then pick back up the pieces again after that and start over. No matter what happens in life I will never let them see me sweat, and I will always find some way to survive with God's help of course. I could never do all I've done without God, and some things I've done without God and it was a disaster but we will talk about that at a later date.